Trumpula Lives! The Blood-Sucker-in-Chief Escapes Another Stake | Opinion

Editor's Note: No vampires were harmed in the writing of this satire.

Considering how much former President Donald Trump likes to be on TV, it's not surprising that the years since his time in office are playing out like a bad vampire movie that would probably run on your local TV station after the news at 11.

He's still trying to suck America's blood, leaving a nation that is no more than a husk of its former glory. Trumpula is a creature of the nighttime talk shows, feeding off Sean Hannity, finding sustenance in other weak hosts searching for guests to round out their empty hours—or even desperate networks willing to give precious airtime to an insurrectionist-in-chief.

(What other putsch artists and failed coup plotters would CNN happily find time for as it grasps for an identity—any identity?)

Trumpula, however ever-present he appears to be, is actually a vampire on the run. On Tuesday, E. Jean Caroll attempted to put a stake in the beast's heart by winning a civil suit in which she claimed the vicious vampire had raped her. For any mortal man, being found liable for sexual abuse in a New York dressing room would be a fatal blow, but Trumpula is no mere mortal. As he said himself, he could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and bite someone with his fangs and keep his mesmerized Renfields on his leash.

As sharp as Caroll's stake may have been, it's unlikely that the writer was unable to drive it home. After all, she merely proved what Trumpula himself said into a live mic—that he likes to grab random women by the genitals and thinks they are willing participants when he does. It's said that vampires cannot see their own reflections. Certainly, this one doesn't.

Still, his campaign Caravan of the Undemocratic Undead rolls on, frightening the locals at every stop; putting terror into the hearts of pundits and the people. Other vampires may be susceptible to crosses, kept at bay by the mystical power of the Christian religion. This vampire has no fear of crosses. After all, it was in this sign that he conquered his American kingdom.

So, maybe sex crimes won't be the stake that impales Trump the Impaler, but that doesn't mean there aren't a score of other Abraham Van Helsings out there, sharpening their own pointed splinters. The many wannabe vampire slayers have been enumerated at length elsewhere—but what the heck, lets mention a few:

• New York's Attorney General Letitia James has sued Trumpula and The Children of Trumpula (the sequel) over alleged fraud to the tune of $250 million.

• Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg has gotten a criminal indictment against the Vampire of Votes for falsifying business records.

• In Georgia, where he allegedly tried to suck more than 11,000 undeserved votes from the body politic, the grand jury is still out. Charges would surprise no one.

• And let us not forget that the federal forces of light have yet to come into play. Justice Department Special Counsel Jack Smith skulks, grinding his stake to a fine point, somewhere out in the darkness.

Other potential slayers abound, some civil, some criminal, including, of course, members of the House of Representatives who were under attack on Jan. 6, 2021, as well as others who were there and injured by Trumpula's mob of moronic familiars.

You would think that one of these bold slayers would hit home with their stake, find the spot where Trumpula's political heart is—perhaps when he's asleep in his lair at Mar-a-Lago—but that assumes that Trumpula has a heart. Or ever had one.

Perhaps the best we can hope for—unless he is well and truly put in jail— is that he will turn into a bat and fly away on his own.

Jason Fields is a deputy opinion editor at Newsweek.

The views expressed in this article are the writer's own.